Eleven!

I was thinking about what word(s) I wanted to teach you next, and a thought occurred to me (yes, that happens now and again). Before I make you all gods and goddesses of the French language, I should probably teach you some English first. And by English I mean English English, not American English. Think I'm crazy? Maybe, but read on and see!

While in London, if someone:

• asks you for a torch, they are not asking you to light a stick on fire and hand it to them. They want a flashlight.
• asks you where is the loo (pronounced lew), they are not asking you where their friend Louis, Lou for short, is. They want to know where the toilet is.
• asks you where is the water closet or WC, they are not asking you where a flooded closet is. They want to know where the bathroom is. (note: the rest room can be called the WC in France, too!)
• tells you to watch out for the speeding lorry, they are not advising you to steer clear of a really fast girl named Laurie. They are suggesting that you might be in the way of the truck barreling down the road. In this case, you should move. Fast. If you don't, they might...
• asks to take you to hospital, they did not forget the "the." They just call it hospital. As in, "Bill is in hospital because he didn't wear his helmet while riding his bike and was struck by a lorry."
• asks you to hold the lift, they are not asking you to pick them up off the ground and remain in that position. They want you to hold the elevator for them.
• asks if you want chips with your fish, they are not asking if you want Middleswarth. They are asking if you want french fries. If you want American potato chips, you simply ask for crisps.
• points and me and calls me daft, just smile and nod yes. It means they think I'm wacky. And they'd be correct. 
• says we're going to the Underground, they don't mean we're going into hiding. They mean we're going to the subway.
• asks, "Would you like to see my flat?" They are not offering to show you their deflated tire. They are inviting you to their apartment. And your answer is NO!! Because they probably want to...
• asks you to snog, they have not mispronounced or made up a nonsense word. They want to kiss you. And your answer is an emphatic NO!!!
• talks about hanging out with their mates, they are not indicating that they have conjugal relationships (playing Scrabble) with multiple people. They are referring to spending time with their friends.
• asks if you'd like to get pissed, they are not asking if you want to get angry. They are asking if you'd like to get drunk. And unless you want to get sent home early, your answer is, "NO NO NO NO NO!!!" 
• compliments your jumper, they don't mean they like the bounce in your step. They are talking about your sweater.
• asks you to nick a candy bar, they do not want you to find Nick C. to give them a candy bar. They want you to steal it. Again, your answer is NO!
• asks you if you're feeling peckish, they are not asking if you feel like imitating a chicken by striking your nose against the ground. They are asking if you're hungry.
• asks you for a rubber, they are not asking for a prophylactic. They want an eraser (how embarrassing would THAT be?!)

And you thought you knew how to speak English....